Yesterday, I played some music on my brand new trumpet. “I love my trumpet!” I explained.
In my vehicle, I saw something furry. “What is that?” I asked. “I don’t know.” replied my sister. It moved slowly and climbed up the back of a seat. All of a sudden, it stopped moving. I picked it up and held it in the sunlight. It was a…
“A lion?” said my mother, excitedly. “Can we keep it, please?” asked me and my sister at the same time. “Fine.” acknowledged my mother.
“I loved my day!” I said to my mother, hugging the lion. “Great!” my mother responded.
Thank you for reading!
Goodness me Natalia, a lion?! You’re braver than me! They certainly do look so cuddly as kittens, but when they grow up … eek!
I can see you’ve worked hard and thought about your vocabulary to include much more powerful words such as ‘excitedly,’ ‘acknowledged’ and ‘responded.’ I particularly enjoyed how you played up the suspense using an ellipsis to put in a brief pause for the reader to imagine.
Well done and keep rising to the Challenge.
What a cool mum, letting the character in your story keep the lion! I hope the lion enjoys trumpet music, as that could be a problem otherwise….
I’m trying to imagine holding a lion up to the light to see what it is. It must be a little lion?
Minor grammatical point – “my sister and I” would read better than, “me and my sister.”
Well done and thank you for sharing your writing.
Michelle Team 100wc,
Melbourne, Australia