In the forest I tiptoed while the hailstone lashed in front of my face.” I need to get to my location”Jack whispered to himself. Finally Jack arrived at his location.
Jack finally arrived at his location. He smashed his hand against the door bell
Jack arrived in the basement. All he could hear were banging noises and Jack ran quickly over to the furthest away corner of the basement. However, that didn’t help at all. All he could see were bats flying at him.
Hi Rhys, I really liked how you described the weather in which Jack was walking around. And the creepy vibe you gave me was really great and I also like how you made Jack talk to himself in a very serious way, which helps me indicate that this “Jack” person is very serious at this moment so what I am basically saying is that I loved how you used indirect characterization. Another thing is that I want to know what the banging noise upstairs is be more detailed and explain more, overall great 100 WC!
This is a really impressive story. But there are some problems: firstly, you mentioned 3 times for “Jack finally arrived at his location” or “Finally Jack arrived at his location” or “Jack needed to get to his location”. That does not gain anything for the passage… Secondly, your story is not linked together, which means you have lost some scenes like what happened inside the door and the environment around you. However, I like your creation. Hope to see your edited version! 😀
I think this is a amazing 100 Word Challenge. I think that this could be a lot better if you would fix up the dialogue. The quotations aren’t in the right place. You should probably put it all in one paragraph and make sure not to have run on sentences. Otherwise this is a great 100WC and I look forward to seeing more.
Hi Rhys! I thought that your story was pretty good! I loved how you gave me a great scene to immerse myself in! One thing that you need to work on is to not be repetitive. But otherwise, you did a good job! Keep it up!
Dear Rhys,
Your 100WC this week is decent, I like it. One thing I have to say is right when you start your story in the first sentence you are referring to yourself in first person but the rest is in third. It makes it difficult because I didn´t know if you were talking to someone or if you weren´t. I like how Jack reacts though when he immediately hears noises in the basement.
Sincerely,
Brooklyn Netisingha
Dear Rhys,
I like how you described the weather in the beginning of the story. It sets the mood that it’s dark and snowy outside. However, you repeated the same sentence twice; the words were just in a different order. Also, I’m a bit confused about something. Does the doorbell lead to the basement? You might need to clarify that a bit more. Other than that, I liked your story!
Hi Rhys! I thought your story was really interesting because of the little background you gave. I like how you didn’t include a backstory or anything, just that he wanted to get to his location, I think that is really good because it gave a sprinkle of good suspense. I also loved how you included dialogue and how you empathized how much he needed or wanted to get there. I think that you can create a bigger conflict other then bats going toward Jack, but other then that your story was awesome and the way you formatted how the pieces of the story went was really well done. Lastly, I would like to give you a thumbs up on creating a developing character like Jack, I found him really interesting and cool!
Dear Rhys,
I think your story is very unique and I love the description you put into the setting. There were a few grammatical errors such as the period at the end of “He smashed his hand against the door bell” and one of the quotation marks were facing the wrong way. You also repeated Jack arrived at his location and your word count is a 84 which is a little under 100. But overall I love your word choice and how you used words like “whisper” instead of just using said.
Hi Rhys,
I really like the plot structure of your 100 WC. I thought you could have been a bit more descriptive with your word choice. I noticed that your 100 WC was a little under 100 words. Otherwise, I think that it’s a pretty good story overall. Good job.
-Aarav.
Dear Rhys,
Your story was very interesting I want to know what happened to Jack and why the story stopped so abruptly. Although your story needs two commas and is only 89 words it still was an interesting story. I wish you continued it I think the story would have been so much better if you did. Although you did repeat the same sentence twice the story was great. Keep up the good work.
I like the element of suspense, leaving the audience with the question, “WHats going to happen next?”. The clarity could be better, helping your audience understand where, why. Other than that, great story!
Hello Rhys! You are a very skilled writer! One part of your story that I loved was when Jack heard banging noises. I would say that your punctuation is a bit wonky.
Dear Rhys,
Your story is very nice, I loved the simplicity of it and the mysterious tone. You can easily understand what is going on, and the imagery behind it. Keep up the great work!
I think that Jack may have been an criminal or agent from your story. I really like how you used bats because they may be found in abandoned buildings. The only thing is that I don’t quite get what happened in your story. Other than that the story was very nice.