THE MISSING GIRL!!!
Once there was a girl called Paige. She was going on a walk with her friend called Rosetta. They were walking into
a magical forest. Out of no where there was a door with blood oozing out the doorbell. Neither girl dared to ring it.
Paige eventually convinced her friend to press the button with dripping blood. The door opened there was a sign, it said ‘will you dare enter’.
The next day, Paige and Rosetta were reported missing on the News. What happened when they entered the door?.
Dear Emma, I really liked how you included dripping blood on the doorbell. I could understand the setting clearly, and I liked how the story flowed together. However, I think that you could have included more details about the setting, but overall, I really liked the ending when you included a cliffhanger, and it made me feel like I wanted to read more.
Hi Emma, I really liked how you gave your story a horror genre it really adds to the doorbell image! but when you said “she was going on a walk with her friend called Rosetta” You should’ve phrased like “She was on a walk with her friend Rosetta” which sounds more fluent. I also enjoyed the suspicion about the oozing blood doorbell, but I don’t really understand the reasoning behind the spacing? so try not to make so many spacing among each sentence, anyways overall it’s a good 100 WC!
Your story is creative and interesting, about two missing girls… But there are still some problems: the story is boring because there are too many verbs and nouns but few adjectives and adverbs. That makes the story plain. My suggestion is to add more adjectives and adverbs to describe the scene more beautiful. By the way, you can also remove one of the characters in order to have more words for describing. I really love your story!
Hey Emma!
I love your story so much but I only have one thing, when you introduce Rosetta all you need to do is ´She was going on a walk with her friend ´Rosetta´. When you added in ´her friend called Rosetta´ it seemed like you were just trying to use extra words to get to 100 words. My favorite part is the very end when the girls go missing.
Sincerely,
Brooklyn Netisignha
Hey Emma!
I really liked your story. I liked the imagery and the way you incorporated the doorknob. I do think that your story could use some work. I don’t really know why your sentences are laid out like that, it kinda makes it hard to read. Also, you didn’t use complete sentences which also makes it hard to read. But overall it was a good story. If you wanna comment on my page it is http://rileywritesright.weebly.com/
Have a great day!
From Riley
Hi Emma, this story had my adrenaline going because it was so suspenseful. Great Job on that! The blood oozing out of the doorbell was also very creative following the disappearance of the girls. I think that you can add some dialogue into your 100 word challenge to make the mood more scary, other then that your 100 word challenge was really good, including the horror addition and the characters. Lastly I would like to give you a hand on how you proposed a question at the end and made everything all so interesting, your cliffhanger left me with a bunch of questions and I really love a story with some great suspense!
Hi Emma! I thought that your story was excellent! I liked how it ended with a cliffhanger. Left me on the edge of my seat for sure! There was one thing at the end where you put a question mark and then a period, which was something that you needed to work on, but other than that, it was great!
Dear Emma,
I thoroughly enjoyed you 100 WC. One thing I appreciated about your 100 WC was the detailed suspense. Your usage of adjectives if used very nicely to build tension here.
What I think you can improve on is your use of formatting and grammar. There are several grammar mistakes in your 100 WC, as well as a few grammar errors as well.
Another thing I liked about your 100 WC was the ending; the fact that it is open-ended is a nice tool to channel creativity in your reader’s minds.
Overall, this 100 WC was very nice and I enjoyed reading your work. Good job!
Dear Emma,
I like how your story takes a mysterious turn at the end. It leaves the audience wanting to read more of your story. However, I have a small suggestion for you to add to your story. You could try to build up to how they entered the magical forest. The questions, “How did they find the forest? Do they know it’s magical?” should be answered in the text to give more background information about the characters. I look forward to reading more of your writing!
Dear Emma,
I think that your story’s plot is really great and I loved how the suspense moves the plot along. However, I think that there were a few spots within your sentences that needed commas and instead of using the word ‘called’ I think that it might sound better to use ‘named’. Your story is also 92 words instead of 100 so maybe you could add a few words to get it to the 100 word mark. Overall, I love the plot of your story and the suspense that builds up!
Dear Emma,
Your story was great I loved it! It left a really great cliff hanger at the end. The story kept me on the edge of my seat wanting to know what happened. Even though it was a short story there were many twists and turns that many made it into a complete and full story. Although there are only 92 words you still managed to create a whole story. I loved it and maybe you could turn it into a real novel.
Hello Emma! I really like your storytelling. There is a huge level of suspense and wanting to know more. Great job on that! I would say that you wrote in both present and past tense which was a tad bit confusing.
I like the element of suspense that you left the reader with wondering what happened to the girls. I think there could have been more background information on who the girls were or where, or why they were there. Other than that great story!
Hi! I like the idea of your story, it was really interesting but, I felt like there were a lot of time gaps in the beginning. But overall I think this was a very interesting story/idea.
I love your story. It is so creepy and very interesting. But there is one thing, you have a grammar issue because it is supposed to be nowhere and not no where. I really want to know what happened to the girls. I think that they were most likely killed by someone or something.
I really enjoyed reading your story. It was very interesting and the suspense factor was fun to read. You did have some grammar mistakes, like nowhere should be one word, not two. Other than a few mistakes, your story was very good, and you should be proud of your story.
Hey Emma!
I really like your story :). I especially like how Paige reminds me of an OC I made a while ago.. Anyways, I like how you added that the button was ‘dripping with blood’ and how the girls were missing on the news the next day. However, I think you could’ve added a few grammatical corrections. Otherwise, I think this story is super cool!