i was once playing eye spy and saw something gold i said pull over a minute so i could see the gold thing it was so shiny i could barely see it clearly i put on some safety glasses on and it helped a little bit but we entered cautiously it gleamed extremely bright we screamed and ran back to the car and drove off we played eye spy again until we got to the water park so we played in the water park and we saw the shiny thing AGAIN we ran towards it and it was a chest full of treasure we put it in our boot and…
A good entry Jacob and a wonderful effort but I ran out of breath trying to read it! Remember to include end of sentence punctuation so that your story has more structure. I am left wondering what happened at the end – was everything alright? A good cliffhanger Jacob!